One sunny day in the 100-acre wood, Pooh was getting ready to go out to get some Honey. "This should impress the bitches," he said to one of his many other personalities as he lubricated his fur with lard.

Just then there was a knock on the wooden door of his small cottage - Hideout. "Pooh! Oh Pooh!" came the cry.

"Shit," thought Pooh. "That'll be that fag Christopher Robin. He's always trying to queer me up".

"Oh open the door Pooh, you silly bear," said Christopher Rubbing (As Pooh sometimes wittily referred to him) in his shrill nasal voice.

That's when Pooh got mad. "No-one talks to me like that" he thought to himself. He ran over to the door, put on a false smile and opened it. "Hello Christopher Robin," Pooh said. "Would you like to come in for some milk?"

"You eat honey, you silly bear," Said Christopher Robin as he stepped in through the door.

"Yeah? Suck my friggin cock!" commanded Pooh as he slammed the heavy wooden door into his guests fragile skull. With an crack, crack his limp body fell to the floor. "I TOLD YOU TO NEVER SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN!" said Pooh. "Oh, wait... no I didn't." Pooh almost soiled himself with laughter at his own joke. He couldn't help thinking what a shame it was that there was no one else there to hear it, until he remembered that it didn't matter anyway, seeing as he'd have to kill them shortly afterwards because he couldn't allow any witnesses. He mused over this some more as he dragged the body into his living room and tossed it onto the fire.

"So long, Robin" Pooh said to himself. This time he could not contain himself. After changing his pants he decided it was time to go seal-clubbing.

He couldn't help thinking to himself what a shame it was that he lived in the 100 acre wood. Although the weather was nice and it hid him from the authorities, there were surprisingly few seals that lived there, and the ones that did Pooh had clubbed long ago. But still, he enjoyed the exercise, and it gave him an excuse to walk around scaring people and swearing.

After locking up his cottage and putting out the fire that Christopher Robin's corpse had enlarged and sustained, he set off.



Pooh hadn't been outside for more than 5 minutes before one of the more irritating voices inside his head, Fluffy, had began laughing at him. His doctor had told him he was a skitzo-something, but now his doctor was dead.

"No-one laughs at me," he told Fluffy, and decided he'd get rid of him for good. He went back to his shack and found a large metal screwdriver.

He prepared to jam it into his left ear when Fluffy started to beg. "Please don't kill me!" he said. "I so want to live".

Pooh took pity on small Fluffy and decided to give him one more chance. He left the house again, but this time he could hear something... something familiar, something, which brought back painful memories. He followed the sound. It got nearer and nearer until Pooh approached a clearing in the thick brush. That's when he recognized the sound. It was the Teletubbies.

Pooh hated the Teletubbies, much like everyone else in the world that is over 5years of age. All of his personalities were in agreement this time.

They must die.

"Now we'll see what tubbie custard looks like," he said as he chuckled to himself, even though he didn't quite get his own joke. He prepared his seal club, and pounced. Tinky winkey, Dipsy, La La, Po. That is the order they fell. One by one. Then a thought occurred to him. What marvellous trophies their heads would make on his wall. He could finally take down MC Hammer's head which had grown tatty with age. He pulled out his dismembering tool from his equipment bag and got to work. The first he would collect was Dipsy. He knelt down by the corpse. He had taken care not to disfigure the head during the frenzied attack for exactly this purpose. He put the sharp edge next to where he assumed the jugular would be, but then he saw a faint seam across the neck. "What's this?" He asked Colonel McEnroy, one of his imaginary friends. He pulled on the seam and it revealed a zip. "Oh my god. The Teletubbies are real people in suits!" He slowly, but carefully undid it, and took off the head. What he saw next made him sick. He hastily took off the heads to the other three. His whole family was there. His mom was Dipsy, His estranged wife was La La, his dad was Po, and his brother was Tinkey Winkey. He had killed them. His only family in the world.

"Oh well." Pooh said. He kicked some dirt on the cadavers, then went home for some pie.