* * *
When given this information, BOB suspected that Man might be growing bored, as well as slightly obsessive. But what to do? It took three bottles of Cabernet, four pints of McEwans and two tumblers of whiskey before BOB came upon a brilliant idea – Woman! BOB then slipped into the garden under darkness and hit Man over the head. With Man conveniently unconscious, BOB liberated a dishpan from some unknown source and placed it on the ground. He undid his zipper and let loose his all mighty love instrument, then he urinated upon the dishpan. Thus, Woman was born!
“Your name is Candi,” BOB said unto Woman. “Do nifty things and make Man feel good.”
“What about me?” Candi asked.
BOB paused, glanced sideways at Candi, and asked “What about you?”
“What makes me feel good, O Creator?”
BOB smiled, “You won’t have to worry about that for thousands of years.”
Candi smiled, “Well, that’s a relief...right? I...I’m not...”
“No more questions!” BOB snapped his fingers and looked away, his arms raised in the air. “Gotta go!”
And with that, BOB left.
In the days that followed, Candi and Man - who became known as Dick - enjoyed yoghurt baths and had 492 children (not all at once, of course, and Candi was the only one who actually had them).
Then, one day, Candi was walking across the garden when she found herself standing before the Tree of Eternal Haemorrhaging. She looked up and beheld a great serpent with colours of blue and gold. The shimmering beauty of this serpent entranced her.
“Hey, babe!” cried out the serpent. “I'm the Evil Bishop!”
Man's List
Scientifically researched by Man
Things that do not move:
1) Trees
2) Green Things
3) Prickly Things (see entry on Green Things
)
4) Little Things (apparently left by the trees - come back to this connection. Could have something to do with little elves that tried to attack me after I drank that stagnant water.
)
5) Black Stuff Everything Grows In
6) Hard Things (apparently sedimentary deposits, with some metamorphic and volcanic veins found in the mountains above the garden. I've yet to find a suitable name.)
Things That Do Move
1) Me (bad start, but a philosophical point must be made! I move, therefore I am).
2) Things in Sky
3) Things With Large Teeth (some ran away and others put up a fight. It seemed the proper thing that I hunt as many down as I could and bash in their brains.)
4) Angry Growling Thing (after the hunt, I was approached by a different species who fancied a bit of revenge)
5) Happy Fuzzy Thing (I spared the life of this creature as it was friendly, and damn cute)
6) “Crawlies”
7) Loud Irritable Thing (well, this one wasn't loud until I trapped it and put it in a cage).
MAN completed his list and then spent the next few days naming different parts of water. The entries were bland, at best, as water's single-most definition is ‘wet’. However, the final entry on Man's report concerning water is what interested the technical angels looking over him the most. It read: “Blue, wet part with shimmering naked crazy chick waving back at me.” The always-alert technical angels rushed Man's report to BOB. They were not only concerned about Man’s mental well being, but also for his safety. Occasional delusions were not uncommon in the world of BOB, as the Great God himself was often prone to dementia. But if one saw naked women beckoning one into the deep end of the pool, well, something would just have to be done!
