C.U. – Telephone Receiver

JUDY (O.S) Hello BOB, you've reached 1-900-MORAL-DILEMMA, have your credit card number ready! My name is Judy, and I'll be your representative today. What can I do for you?

(Judy is very happy. Her voice should be all smiles. I’d like a chirpy yet sexy voice…you know, the attractive fat girl voice.)

INT. BOB’s Voodoo Pad – Day

(If you could have BOB wearing that smoking jacket he had for the “Cheese Whiz” skit, that’ll be cool. Maybe silk pyjamas – but definitely a jacket or robe of some sort.)

BOB: Well, I'm pondering about destroying the world and everyone therein.

JUDY (O.S.) Thereon.

BOB: What?

JUDY (O.S.) Everyone thereon

BOB: Oh...yeah. Thereon.

JUDY (O.S.) Well, Mister BOB, that's quite a moral dilemma indeed! You've called the right place! My advice, if I may humbly supply you with it, is to flood the entire planet except for a chosen person and his family. Tell that one person to gather all the animals together to preserve the way of life on Earth. Oh, and be sure to kill the I.R.S., and let me live.

CUT TO AUDIENCE

APPLAUSE

BOB now had his idea. In a deep voice he announced that he was going to flood the planet. Now he had to seek out a good person...

Thus was Nowaya. Nowaya was your average fellow. A charming guy doing his best for a dollar and living in the Man’s world. He had always wanted to be more but simply couldn't get a break. Everytime he felt like he was getting ahead, something seemed to short-circuit his hopes. For this, he blamed the Chinese, or maybe (and more likely) his wife. He tried not to blame the Chinese for everything, but that was so hard when Nowaya constantly found himself hard up for cash or free time. He just knew that Chinamen were doing better statistically and that burnt him up. Often, he took out these fears on his wife - whom he had met in the Hunan province some years earlier.

To bring in extra cash, Nowaya made contraceptives on the side. He used what he called “the skin of a virgin child” to create the perfect condom. It is possible that such a description could have been a marketing ploy as his best paying customers were Chinese businessmen.

Nowaya lived out in the ‘burbs. It wasn’t a great part of town, but it was the best he could afford. His dad had really worked himself into the ground, what with all the boozing and whoring. But it was the inheritance that had bought Nowaya his suburban house so, in the end, he was proud of his pop. He spent his days a pious man -- he feared his wife, teased his dog and stole from his kids.

Nowaya was the image of a loose, BOB-fearing type. In the end, he was cool. By ‘cool’, we mean that he didn't like coconut slurpees. That definition of ‘cool’, of course, is selectively cool and may not be appreciated by BOB-lovers living in other stages of ‘cool’. Suffice it to say that Nowaya was the best example of ‘cool’ at the right time and place. He hung out in parks after dark and used his voodoo on all them young whyte hos. He mixed Pixie Stix into his coffee at work and became vicious and misanthropic.

In the last days before BOB came to Nowaya, the Great One saw to it that his chosen man landed a good job -- a seat at Line 7 in the Department of Motor Vehicles, where his only job require-ment was to look important enough to attract a lengthy line. He would then tell all the patrons that they were in the wrong line when they finally made it up to his window.

And lo, BOB noticed how well Nowaya matured and grew in his new job. Thus it was that BOB came unto Nowaya in the guise of Bob Smith, Part-Time Hygienist. On the evening the Great BOB had chosen to visit Nowaya, the good and righteous servant of all things BOB was in bed testing his latest contraceptive.

“Nowaya!” BOB shouted in the unsuspecting Nowaya’s ear while, at the same time, shaking the poor man viciously.

Nowaya had been lying beneath the taut body of his seventeen-year-old lover. BOB’s startling appearance ended the bliss and the chosen one of BOB leapt up and crossed the room to where he kept his pair of .45’s. He held them just like Chow Yun Fat and snarled, “Motherfucker! What you want?”

“Sorry,” BOB grinned at the young girl. He sat next to her and placed his expert hand on her inner thigh. She was spellbound, unable to move. “You know, infidelity is one thing. Incest is another,” BOB pointed out.

“She’s my wife’s cousin!” Nowaya shouted, standing up and ready to fight. “It’s not like she’s my daughter!”

BOB raised one finger, his other trailing further up the girl’s leg. Her head fell back as she moaned, clutching BOB’s wrist and thrusting his hand deeper.

Nowaya watched all of this with an open mouth, unable to reply for a few moments. Then he turned to BOB (in disguise…with glasses). He let his guns drop for a moment. The girl was clutching at BOB’s arm, writhing in pleasure. Nowaya asked, “Who are you?”

“I have come, Nowaya - “ the girl let out a vicious scream, and Nowaya gritted his teeth. “And so has she!” BOB laughed heartily, but stopped quickly when he noticed Nowaya staring angrily at him. “I - er - “ BOB removed his hand with a guilty look. “I have come in the name of all that is great.”

owaya, suspecting that this old boy had something up his sleeve, muttered darkly and raised those guns again.

BOB cleared his throat. That alone should send chills up your spine. It should make you scream out with BOBishness until your throat gets dry and you need another drink. At least, those were some of Nowaya’s reactions for, at that point, Nowaya fully realized who was in his room. Being great of spirit, Nowaya saw through BOB’s rather flimsy disguise and knew the great God for who he was: The…great God! Nowaya became so excited that his contraceptive burst.

BOB, meanwhile, was totally unscripted. That means that the following is some pretty fantastic acting! In order to save face, BOB’s first reaction was to pretend as if Nowaya hadn't guessed his true identity. He kept up the Bob Smith charade, perhaps simply so he could talk about himself in the third person. There's a certain literary fulfilment with such an action. “Er... BOB has seen Man's wickedness on Earth.” BOB said, “ And He is sorry that He has created Man, and now wishes to cause him a horribly slow and painful death.”

“Cause who a slow death?” Nowaya asked.

“Uh...Man.” BOB replied.

“So Man wants to cause…but…BOB…”

“No. BOB wants to cause Man a slow death.”

Nowaya thought for a moment. This Great One was obviously drunk. “Just in general? All men? All humans?”

BOB squinted slightly. “Yes. All men. But you, Nowaya, are not on His shit list. You have been chosen to survive. But BOB shall destroy all men, women, and children, because He is a just and fair God.”

“I don’t think that works, man.” Nowaya mumbled. “Where’d...uh…BOB get an idea like that?”

BOB grimaced and tilted his head slightly, “From some girl on the phone.”

“Some girl!”

“A telephone operator.” BOB replied defensively.

“As long as she’s qualified,” Nowaya mumbled. “This really doesn’t sound like a wise move…”

“Yeah,” BOB replied dejectedly, “BOB has an odd feeling that He is not considering all the factors... Oh well! BOB'll do it anyway and worry about consequences afterwards.”

“Ain’t that the way…”

BOB smiled. “Indeed. Anyway, BOB decrees that you must build a big ship and gather every animal on Earth. Place the animals on the boat, take your wife, and wait a while. It will rain for a long time, and you shall then float around. Bye, then.”