So Nowaya built a big ark. Hell, he wasn't doing anything else anyway. Once completed, he set forth to gather all the animals of the Earth. First, he gathered all the males. BOB sent an angry letter the next morning about this, we can assure you! Then Nowaya returned all the males and collected all the females. Again, a problem arose. Finally, Nowaya collected a female and a male of each animal. He had to break a bitchload of laws to get some of the endangered animals rounded up and by the time the ark was finished, Nowaya was a wanted man in 48 countries.

Once the animals were collected, Nowaya lined them up in orderly rows. He sent the animals to the showers without water and had them all cut up into little tiny pieces. The pieces were then sealed within watertight plastic bags and stowed beneath the floor of the ark’s game room. After all, animals were dirty and would have spoiled that fresh new ark smell.

As Nowaya built the great ark, the doomed people came to watch. Most of them ended up harassing BOB’s chosen, as well as calling him names such as Crevasse, Snorkel, Sneezeball, Limphanger, Twistedloin and so on.

Meanwhile, in Bob Heavens (where there is soggy sausage), BOB pondered about how he would go about flooding the planet. He knew, you see, that scientists of the future would contradict all that BOB had done by proving it scientifically impossible. He decided to grab the first two angels he could find and get an outside opinion.

There were two Office Angels at the water cooler, talking dirty about one of the female angels working down in the mailroom.

“Hey there,” BOB interrupted, stepping up and getting a paper cone. He filled the cone with water and smiled reassuringly at the now awkward angels.

“Uh…hello boss.” One of the angels muttered.

“So I was thinking about flooding the Earth, you know? Maybe just the major spots between the T & E, that sort of thing.”

“Yeah, we heard something about that.” The angel replied.

“I was going to have a few people survive – one of them is Nowaya. We’ll put him in the book.”

The second angel seemed very uncomfortable, “Uh, that’s the guy who’s balling the seventeen-year-old, right?”

BOB nodded, “Uh-huh.”

“Why…uh…why that one?”

“Why not?” BOB tensed.

The angel put his hands up in front of his face, “Right, sorry boss, whatever you say.”

BOB leaned back against the cooler, “Anyway, I’m worried that scientists will shoot me down, say it’s an exaggeration.”

“Oh no,” the first angel said, “there’ll be evidence. Just have them do a dig. Floods and shit like that show up in the soil. No problem.”

“But the whole planet is out of the question? I mean, flooding-wise?”

The angels looked at each other. The second angel spoke, “But wouldn’t that mean punishing innocents? I mean, you visited that one town and now you want to destroy nomads in the Arctic?” The second angel jumped as BOB tensed again, “I mean, you can do that because…because…”

“Because you’re cool.” The first angel looked hunted, gripping his empty paper cone and shaking slightly. “Um…so, if you flood the area between the T & E in a way that can never be repeated, it’ll be believable and there’ll be scientific evidence thousands of years from now. Not to mention that the only written word comes out of that area, so if we put the short-eyes in the book the story will spread.”

“Oh, cool. Thanks.” BOB shook the angel’s hand and headed back to his office.

“Okay!” BOB then called out, “Let it rain real hard!”

And it did! So there. You don’t really need science to be God. Hell, when BOB created Man he didn't know jack shit about DNA. Cancer, color-blindness, alcoholism, every genetic defect is simply stemmed from an extreme lack of scientific knowledge. For instance, BOB often looked back in his notes and wondered why he put the appendix there. It looked good when he was designing Man, but he didn't have a clue as to what one would use it for. It was a nightmare for a supreme being to see such chaos, don't you understand? BOB thought to himself that the flood was a very good thing. To wipe out Man would solve so many problems. BOB could start again – and this time he’d use some reference books.

BOB allowed himself a nostalgic moment as the rains came down. He remembered how easy it was when Man was just a group of fuzzy beasts frolicking in the oceans and the forests. Dumb, hairy beasts with nary a care in the world. Why BOB had to involve himself any further was a mystery even to the Great One himself.

BOB’s nostalgia was thanks to a Woman's influence. For quite some time, BOB had been having a whirlwind romance with someone the angels called `Mistress Eve'. She was all the red-headed, pepperminty goodness any superior being needed. It was rumoured that she was the daughter of some other god from some alternate dimension, but the angels in Bob Heavens (where there is realistic sausage) believed that Eve was just a prostitute who was trying to fleece the whole operation. They preferred the brunette BOB had brought home from Hot Monkey Love. She’d been sent off to Bermuda with a squad of angels and told not to bother getting in touch again. Oh, the heartbreak of a fickle lover…

Back down on Earth, the rains fell across the known world. Nowaya sat in his boat and toasted to his health while society collapsed.

In the city of Hot Monkey Love, the people climbed atop their roofs and cried unto BOB: “Why have you betrayed us?”

BOB answered them slowly...so slowly, in fact, that he didn't finish telling them until they had died. Then BOB and Mistress Eve took off for an extended bird-watching trip in the tropics.

The waters maintained their crest for quite a while and Nowaya's ark floated around. Years passed until, eventually, BOB returned to Bob Heavens (where there is tanned sausage) from his tropical vacation. He sheepishly remembered poor Nowaya.

“Holy Sausages, Batman! I'm sorry!” BOB told Nowaya. “You were so lowly and unimportant that I forgot all about you.” BOB then told a rather peeved Nowaya to send a bird out to find land.

And so Nowaya released a crow. But the crow got sucked into the jet intake of an airliner.

And so Nowaya released a sparrow. But the sparrow slammed into a plate glass window.

And so Nowaya released a duck. But a hunter shot it.

And so Nowaya sent a dove. But the dove inexplicably exploded. (We're running out of ideas. You can tell, can't you? You've already guessed. You hate us! Why? Why?!)

And so Nowaya sent a genetically engineered flying chicken (of pure Aryan stock), which went forth and found land. When the chicken returned days later with a poison ivy leaf, Nowaya set out to find his new home. It was a difficult journey as Nowaya, without thinking, had slaughtered his chicken-guide for the victory dinner. But his boat was pointed in the promised direction and as long as he kept the shadow of his cock on his left side, he was sure he could make landfall. And, lo, he made it safely to land.

After the crew got rid of the poison ivy rashes, Nowaya and his people settled on the top of a mountain.

“Say, Nowaya...” BOB said, appearing in a levitating lounge chair, “I guess I'm sorry for what I did. I bless you, and would like to tell your kids to be fruitful and multiply. But in order to have kids to be fruitful and multiply, you have to be fruitful and multiply.” BOB laughed heartily.

“What?” asked Nowaya.

“Be fruitful and multiply!” BOB gushed happily, “Anyway, I promise that I will never flood the Earth again. I shall give the Earth to you, and never destroy it with water. There will be no more floods.” BOB was stressing a point, though it was more to the audience than to Nowaya.

“You’re saying you do have plans to destroy the Earth some other way?” Nowaya asked.

“Oh?” BOB looked away, “Well...subdue the Earth and have fun. The water will soon dry up, and I'm sure that the animals will successfully multiply. I'd like to see how the crow and all those others do, though. Okay, gotta go!”

And he did.

And everyone had lots of kids.

Next time on “The Boble”: He built a tower to defy BOB, he betrayed his people to False Rob and he couldn’t get laid to save his life.

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